A Bit on Relationships

(I wrote this back on May 1, 2008 and is edited in the interest of subject matter.)

This is certainly a fascinating time for me. I’m not exactly sure when it started. The real, more encompassing answer is probably ever since I was born, with all society has fed me and the subsequent, often tragic, consequences; or perhaps it began even before, but that is another topic entirely. The fact is we are all products of our collective individual experiences, and how socialization has told us to respond to, interpret, and feel about those events in our lives.

(Here's where editing really comes in...this writing consisted of more topics, however in this entry, I've chosen to stick with relationships. Excuse any apparently awkward transitions.)

In what context did this “interesting” time in my life begin? It should be stated that I’ve always had an independent streak in my thinking. Nonetheless, as our American culture would dictate, I was raised on the notion that I would grown up one day, get married, have kids, and have a happy little life. Please let me ask right now…who does that work for? I know it works, for some, to build a happy life with their partner (happy being the emphasized word there), but how often? Really…how often does that happen? We are raised to believe that’s just the way life is…but it really isn’t and it’s dangerous to believe in something that likely will not materialize for you. For me, this is not an issue of being pessimistic or cynical; it’s an issue of being realistic.

In my previous relationship, which I was smart enough (or dumb enough, however you want to look at it) to get out of after two and a half years, I thought I had found the person I would build my life with. I loved this smart, attractive individual who was a great parent to a daughter from a previous relationship (evidenced by her sweet hearted nature…she was seriously an angel…now that I’m not immersed in the disappointment that relationship brought about, it’s abundantly clear SHE was what I lost in that relationship); this person was also adequately ambitious and had comical moments. In the beginning of our relationship, I was certain I had found the one I would carry out my American dream (delusion) with. It obviously didn’t work that way.

In the coming months, I would hear about problems some of my girlfriends were having with their husbands or ex-husbands, two in particular, both my age…in their early 20’s. One had only been married for a very short time, not even two years, before divorcing and another’s husband had gone outside their relationship for sex (and attention/affection perhaps) at least a couple of times already during their very short marriage. And on top of that, my own sister called me one afternoon and told me she was likely leaving her husband. It was quite a blow because I was under the impression that they were indeed living the American “dream” I had previously been looking forward to pursuing.

There is always more to a subject, but THAT is the context in which my current line of thinking in regards to relationships has fallen. Again let me emphasize that I’m not intending to be contemptuous concerning relationships and/or marriage, but realistic. Statically, who has that happy married life we are supposed to want and how many people who pursued it don’t? I don’t know, but my money is on the latter group being more plentiful. You can argue about definitions and ideals…obviously no one lives the ideal, but who really lives that happy life that is within attainable reach? I believe very, very few. So, again I will say that I feel it’s downright harmful, even dangerous to so adamantly believe in something that will likely not happen. It’s a setup for disappointment, bitterness, and unhappy children.

(I later reviewed statistics that indicate only about half of people who actually stay married are in a fulfilling, happy relationship. That means of all people who get married, only about 1/4th of them actually stay married and are happy, since the divorce rate is over 50%.)

My sister and her current situation has been a huge influence over me. Ever since she came to me with the shocking revelation that she was not happy in her marriage, we’ve often talked very openly about relationships, sexuality, and the consequences of being in a partnership that is not meeting your needs. We’ve engaged in many more meaningful conversations over the past few months than we ever have and as a result have elevated our sibling bond…one positive out of a highly unfavorable situation.

My sister’s circumstances and our ensuing exchanges can certainly be considered the catalyst through which my current thinking regarding relationships was born. The different gender perspectives are without a doubt very different when considering serious involvement with one another in a relationship. Nonetheless, there are questions that come to my mind involving all genders. Can monogamy really work? Why do we love? Is our society changing in such a way that will deem marriage outdated in the relatively near future? Why does it work for some people?

It's always fitting to have more questions than answers. All life is an experiment, or at least it should be; if you think you’ve mastered it or figured it out, you are greatly screwed.